Friday, 30 September 2016

Little light in my life *Pepsi Cola*

Hello lovelies

So I have learnt one of biggest lessons from my adorable little puppy and her name is Pepsi. 

Now for those who know me I have never been the biggest pet person. Yes, I have had many pets over the years being cats and birds but I never took a big liking to many dogs. 

I remember the day my Dad brought Pepsi home. This tiny little puppy in his work basket. I didn't live at home at the time but my Mom called saying "You'll never guess what what your father brought home? A puppy!" She was not impressed. Yes, this tiny little bundle of fluff snuck into our hearts and conquered all of them. 

She loved me and followed me everywhere. And when I mean everywhere.. I mean everywhere! I couldn't even go to the toilet without her crying at the door until I was done and opened the door. When I left for Thailand last year, my Mom says that she used to go and look for me in my room every day for a long time until she somehow realized I wasn't gonna be there. 

When I came home in June, there she was, full on love and happiness. I swear her name should have been happiness or energade. Her unending love and devotion is insane. She used to sleep by me every night and even basically kicked me around my own double bed. She irritated the living day lights out of me sometimes and she loved us even after she would get in trouble or we'd get annoyed with her. 

If I ever had an annoying little sister.. She would be it.

Yet she was who she was and never ever changed. An ever shining light in our household.  

Then one week we noticed she was constantly shaking. At first we thought that maybe she was just getting cold as it was the middle of winter and I was suffering big time as I hadn't had to deal with cold weather in over a year! But after a while we realized she wasn't cold and took her to the vet as we were sure there was something wrong. After the first visit, the vet told us there was nothing wrong and sent her home. But as the week went on the shaking got worse. So my mom and I took her back to the vet insisting that he do a re-evaluation as her current state was just not normal in anyway. 

He agree to an overnight observation. I had to leave for Cape Town for 2 weeks and would only see here when I got back. Her condition sadly continued to deteriorate. The doctor sent her home with some medicine my Mom had to find a way to get her to eat in general. 

When I got back she was half the tiny size she was and had no life in her at all. All she did was sleep.. In her own bed and barely had any form of reaction to anything. She had no balance and ran into things constantly. I can't remember at what point my Mom decided to take her to another vet for a second evaluation. It turns out that she had a fit of some form while she did her daily afternoon bird chasing marathon around the yard and this had caused some brain damage and affected the part of the brain that told her to eat. He basically suggested we should put her out of her misery and put her down. 

But how could we do that. How could even think about putting the light of our household out! So my mom endeavoured and force fed her and carried on looking for a solution. Finally at wits end something started to work. Slowly she gained some energy and slowly she started eating on her own. She isn't fully recovered yet but is well on her way. 

The thing about this story is when I got back from Cape Town and saw my puppy like that I would have done anything to get back that annoying little sister puppy! My heart broken and I missed her exaggerated happiness to see me every single time!. 

She never changed even though we had our moods as human beings. When she needed us, we didn't give up on her. 

And this made me think about my own life. I have had people ask me 'How can you be like this every single day?' As most days I am just a happy person because I choose to be. Yes, I have my low points or moods but it is always a choice to get back up and carry on fighting. Look for the good and the positive in life and there are so many reasons to live and be grateful no matter how bad things may seem. 

When I see you and I am happy to see you. That's just it. I am just really happy to see you. No hidden motives. No hidden agendas. Just me.. Happy to see you. I can't tell you how many times I have been misunderstood or had people have doubts about me. It used to get me so very down. Over time I have managed to learn to brush it off and carry on. 

Pepsi never changed when we had our moody days. And this is the lesson I learnt... neither should we. Be who you are. The right people will love you and appreciate you. They are the ones who will be there for you when you need it. 

If you can't accept me as I am, then maybe I am not for you and you are not for me. When you let those people go, who don't fit into your life properly, you make space for the right people to enter. 

The only people I need in my life are the ones who need me in theirs even when I have nothing else to offer them but myself. Some people come into your life and you just know you will never be able to replace them if they left. 

Thank you Pepsi for coming back to us slowly but surely. Yeah, she still can't really run in a straight line but the life is back in her spirit and she comes and snuggles into my bed at night. Now I let her kick and nudge me as much as she wants I never get mad. I am just so happy that she is herself again. 

The smallest light in my life that truly shone the brightest. 

Love you always  

Thursday, 22 September 2016

Reflecting on my life... De ja Demartini

Hello lovelies

So initially I wrote this post and it was magical... perfect and balanced. I saved it to my iPad and when I connected to the wifi to upload it... *poof* gone! Then it told me my blog didn't even exist anymore.. Wait... what!?! My heart literally broke into a million tiny pieces... oh well round two I guess!

...Where were we... oh yes... De ja Demartini... 

Over the past 2 months since I have been back in South Africa, I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life. Where have I been and where am I going... I have also been reading a book called 'The Breakthrough Experience' by Dr JF Demartini. It is quite a mind explosive book for me in some ways. It really makes you look at yourself and your life and try to understand the balance of your life. 

A really hard concept to read that he wrote about was that everything that happens to us, we have done to other people in one form or another. Wait... No ways! I couldn't possibly have done some of the things that people have done that hurt me. Why would I ever want to do that to another person when I know how much that hurts??

I have been doing a really big clean out and have found some insanely old stuff that I didn't even know I had anymore. During this time I have remembered friends I had or 'lost' along the way. I felt very sad like losing them all over again. Why did they leave? I never got a reason. They just up and left or cut me out. I couldn't understand what I did wrong and found myself wishing I knew then what I know now and maybe... just maybe I could have been a better friend. I know I was doing the best I could at that point in my life with the knowledge and experience I had up until that point. 

Even now I was feeling a little rejected by by friends I have some distance with. Like some of them forgot me the moment I said goodbye to come back to South Africa and that was the end of it. But that is just it... I was feeling it... It does not mean it was real. It was just my reality. 

Then two really big things happened for me in one day which was like a light being switched on. First thing, that morning I drew my inspirational card for the day and it spoke about balance versus depedancy/obsession. Interesting point I see.. I was not entirely sure how this was relevant. I mean when I make a decision or love someone, I'm all in. There is no in between for me. Love with conditions is just not worth it and neither is committing to a decision with a half a heart whether it be for a project or a friendship. 

The second thing was I found my diary from when I was in Std 6... A trip into my own mind when I was 14. Let me tell you that was one of the most enlightening reads I have had in a long time. There were special moments that I had long since forgotten about, memories with friends that have since past away and I see how I literally might have driven my parents a little bit crazy. These are times I can never get back. Some decisions that literally made me cringe rereading it! There was also a statement from an unlikely person about how I should just be myself and not worry about fitting in or being like the other girls. Be the gem and not dull my shine for anyone. (I wish I understood what they meant then, it would have saved me a lot of heartache)

I could see the ones who were good to me and I didn't even know it or see it and on the flip side, I saw those who were really bad for me and didn't deserve my loyalty even a little bit. 

I saw patterns and lessons that I carried well into my twenties, that I can finally say I have put to rest. One of the things is my view of priorities was more like a hierarchy that a balanced equilibrium. 
1. Love
2. Family / Friends
3. Career / Doing what you love and makes you happy

It is sad that is has taken me this long but a relief at the same time to see my perceptions have shifted, especially over the past 5 years. It feels like I have done so much soul work. 

Day to day it feels like nothing changes 
but when you look back everything has changed. 

I have accepted that I am not everyone's cup of tea and it's okay that not everyone is mine. I don't need to make everyone else happy. If I am happy from the inside, it will shine through. Looking back at some photos I cringe as I can literally see the sadness in my own face and eyes. I don't even think I look like the same person sometimes! 

I have learnt to just be me and that it's okay. As simple as that sounds. I don't do things that I wouldn't done to me and just because people are not giving the same level of friendship that I give sometimes, doesn't mean that they are not giving all they have got too. 

When I am really honest with myself I can see that I have walked away from some friendships without a reason just like some people have walked away from me. There was no rhyme or reason other than maybe I got caught up in my own life and trying to solve my own problems. I have broken some hearts the same way mine has been broken as well. I gave loyalty to those who did not deserve it and I took for granted those who's did deserve my attention and I took it for granted. I want to go back and say sorry but after reading some more of 'De Ja Demartini' I should thank them for the experience instead. Saying sorry to a degree attracts the same situations into your life. So thank you for the lessons of love and friendship. And there in lies the balance. 

It's hard to admit our own mistakes but when we own them and acknowledge them, no one can hold them against us. 

I no longer have a hierarchy of priorities but a balanced perspective and each category has their own quadrant. I am not waiting for my soul mate to complete me as I am complete all on my own, rather I am waiting for them to join me and we can grow together on a new path together. 

I promise to be the best version of myself not just for me but for the world. Sometimes you might just be someone's candle in the dark. 

Shine brightly
Love and Light 

Monday, 19 September 2016

Chanzie's Backpack iPod travels #4 - Homeward bound


Yes yes yes.. I know... MIA... and all that but surprise!!! No rules remember... So lets get to the last bit of my Malaysia trip done and dusted so I can post about more recent stuff.. to be honest I considered not posting this at all but I need the completion feeling ha ha ha. 

Here are the previous posts #1 , #2 & #3 if you need a refresher...

So I thought my trip back would be a tad less uneventful.... I was wrong! I was up at 6 so that I would be nice and early for my taxi which was supposed to be there at 7! I don't know if the lady never booked a taxi for me or if he just didn't show. Reception ended up having to order a new me a new one which was late as well. This seemed okay.... until I got to Salak Tinggi and found out I had missed the last train by 5 minutes and had to wait another 20 for the next one to arrive. 

When I arrived back in KL I grabbed a quick bite to eat at burger king, I was so excited to try out this cheesy chicken wrap thing #westernfood... as I got to the front... The dude put up a sold out sign! Just my luck... Anyway.... From there I caught the train to KL Sentral and was so hoping to catch the ETS train back to Penang which would only take 2 hours instead of 4 - 5 hours. Unfortunately it only left at 4pm... I wanted and needed to be back in Penang by then as the Thai Embassy closed at 4pm! So I then had to mission all over this place only to find out I needed to catch another train to another station called Pasa... (something I don't remember) and walk to the bus station. #Eish
I ended up right where I arrived in KL! Which was fine because I actually knew my way around the area and Chinatown ha ha ha

Here is what I don't understand about traveling in Asia... Why does it always cost more to go back than to get somewhere??? It cost me 2 Ringett more for the ticket to get back to Penang and the bus wasn't as nice, but what could I do - I was just happy to be heading home.

I finally arrived in Penang at 2pm-ish and needed to make my way to Chulia street and get to the embassy before 4pm!!! I met some more crazy cool people, 4 backpackers from Austria and 2 from France. They needed place to stay so I showed them the way to my guesthouse as a recommendation. Funny I am not normally the tour guide in a place I barely know!
20 mins later I caught the 401 Rapid Penang bus and made it to my guesthouse at 3:10. I ran to Banana tours and managed to catch a taxi at 3:30 and made it to the embassy just in time at 3:55pm... cutting it fine but I got my passport back - thank goodness otherwise I would have to wait another whole day. The taxi driver totally ripped me off but I had little choice as the embassy was in a remote area and I would battle to find one back. So we live and learn. 

It cost me more to get to and from the consulate than a bus ticket back to HatYai or to KL!

After checking into my hotel properly I ventured out to find the market called Little India. It was so beautiful. I was in search of some coconut oil or shampoo stuff for my friend Keelyn but A) i didn't know the shop name and B) I wasn't actually sure what I was looking for. But I did end up finding 2 nice pairs of shoes and got a henna tattoo on my had. Why not I say!

On the way back I got stuck at a little antique shop while there was a mini rainstorm and chatted to 3 polish peeps. One funny enough actually lives in Hat Yai. #Smallworld

That night I mission to find the Manchester United burger store (which was totally worth it) before heading out for a drink with my 2 new Austrian friends. At the reggae place we met 2 Australians, a German (surprise surprise ) and a Columbian. We had some fun, went to play some pool. I was teamed up with Mr Aussie. We actually won both games. It was tons of fun. Here are a few things I saw quick quick... Aussies really are similar to RSA peeps. He was a typical player and Ms Germany was flirting  hard with him. Mr Aussie was trying to keep his cards open and play all the girls wahahahaha *not falling for it* 
I did have fun teasing the situation though. Ms Germany was not my biggest fan and her and Ms Columbia were way to drunk for their own good. Fun times I tell you.

The next morning I was so excited to head home! Malaysia is fun but Thailand is my home. This was a good sign to me. The morning itself was not uneventful..  my receptionist friend took me to get some potato breakfast hashbrown thingy which was really good. I thought I almost missed my bus and ran with all my stuff to Banana Inn but thank goodness Mr Minivan was just a bit late. I was so happy to hear them speaking Thai... go figure!!

Mr Minivan's name was Yen. He couldn't speak English at all but appreciated my attempt at Thai ha ha ha I helped him find one of the houses to pick up a passenger (thank goodness I can count in Thai 555) before we headed home to Hat Yai. At first Yen was a bit freaked out and like 'aaaahhh a freaking Foreigner/Farang' but he thawed out a bit. Guess it because I also asked to sit in the front seat because there was more space instead if being cramped in the back next to people.

So on my trip to Penang and on my way to Hat Yai we got pulled off by the cops and it was basic bribery! They had to pay them 50 Ringett straight up behind the van somewhere. Corruption everywhere I tell you. Yen just laughed, shook his head and paid the cop before calling whoever he needed to. Same as my first minivan driver. And then it happened a second time! I really felt bad for him. He really was so sweet.

At the last stop before we crossed the border back into Thailand I met 3 cool Italians at the place we stop to prepare our passport departure cards. I am amazed at how many people are able to just backpack and travel for months on end! Its crazy cool. The one Italian dude who is a chef says he only drinks tequila! Like he can finish 2 bottles by himself. He does not drink anything else at all not beer, whiskey wine nothing. If I drank that I'd get alcohol poisoning and be sick for days man!!! Days!!!

Anyway there is no better than arriving back home, to your own space and breathe in all that familiarity. 

Hope you enjoyed the trip with me. 

Peace out my lovely peeps x